I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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