Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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