why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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