I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
