woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize