So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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