the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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