My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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