It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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