she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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