I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
