if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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