She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
