i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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