Will you blow on my dice?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
