we made out on top of his cat.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
