she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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