My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
