Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
