i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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