i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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