I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
