I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
