It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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