if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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