My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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