I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
