You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
