on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
and eventually we just all took our pants off
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
