Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
