I smell stomach acid.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
