i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
