the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
cat food counts as protein by the way
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
