Is it because I queefed?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
