you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
