What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My life is pants optional.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize