Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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