i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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