he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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