Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
