Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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