omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
