broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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