Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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