Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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