hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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