please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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