the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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