You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
