i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
