i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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