My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize