and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
