I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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