Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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