There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
