Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I am naked and annoyed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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