I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
