just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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