she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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