she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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