My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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