I got chris browned last night
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
