he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
